Every day is a tragi-comic roller coaster road to Hell in a handcart
Algernon Howeller of the Euronews breakaway Off Reuters reports exclusively as follows:
'In the tiny African State of Lumbago, starvation is now rife - and so in desperation, many people are turning into voracious cannonballs'.
But peace-loving father of his People Idi Borrow refuted what he termed "a typical white racist slur against innocent African democracies" - pointing out that he was not racist, and "some of my closest friends are Swiss Gnomes".
Meanwhile, in a last minute change of heart to try and reduce Africa's economic woes, Ronald Trunk will not now put Elon Musk on a one-way flight to Johannesburg. Instead, he is going to deport Israel to South Africa if it breaks the 60-day cease-fire agreement with Iran. "I think you know these Jewish people are pretty good at business and South Africa could do with some of that, so it's kind of win-win whatever happens," said the US leader. Sources close to insanity hinted that Musk will now be deported to Tehran in time for the next carpet-bombing peace initiative. "That would be a win-win also," the President added.
In the UK, Prime Sinister Steer Calmer is at the centre of a benefits reform row and has accused people with no limbs of being addicted to welfare benefits. Mr Calmer observed, "If they have no limbs, how can they ask for a hand-out when they have no hands available to grab the money in the first place? They're obviously faking. This is a case where the Labour Party must be all hands on deck in the fight against paraplegic benefit fraud".
Commenting on the row, Dept of Work & Pensions supremo Sir Peter Skinflint KGB threw all the weight of his bonuses behind the embattled Labour leader:
"We at the DWP think Herr Sturmer is absolutely right, and if he is we'll be right behind him," he told The Slog last night, "Benefit fraud is the main reason why the United Kingdom is short of Treasury funds desperately needed to gift Vlodomorandmore Zelenskyyy a one hundred year guarantee at £300 billion a year in the fight against Rasputin's obviously expansionist Russian hordes".
And in yet another sign of the enduring Special Relationship between the US and the UK, the White House announced yesterday that precision-guided air weapons that had been on track to be sent to Ukraine were now off track and in a siding somewhere, ready to be deployed against the next Elon Musk deportation destination to be bombed into the Stone Age.
"This decision was made to put America's interests first following a DOD review of our nation's military support and assistance to other countries across the globe," said White House spokesperson Anna 'Ned' Kelly, "The strength of the United States Armed Forces remains unquestioned – just ask Iran."
Oooooooh, bitch.
Music producer mogul Hair Combs has been found entirely innocent of sex trafficking charges, but guilty of transporting people for prostitution purposes. Leader of the National Pimpsters Union Alessandro Linguini declared, "Izza diabolicallo, dee traffic so bad on the roads in Noo Yoik Mamma mia eet gonna take hours to get a pair of hot whores to a client listen I ask you, be reasonable....dee clients izza lazy dey wanna hooker brought to zee hotel, cappiche? A pimp godda transport people for prostitution, izza free country, OK? Hizza not a crime so dee jury, dey're crazy".
When asked by a New York Times journo to explain the difference between trafficking sex and transporting for prostitution, Mr Linguini answered, "Lissen a me college boy, I know missiter Combs long time, OK? Heez girls, dey never have sex in a car in de traffic for anyone to see, we godda have decorum, also eez not good for road safety, right?"
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Our species on this our one and only Earth has, during my lifetime, become not just obsessed with monied power, but also prepared to swallow any old tosh - and terrified of offending those who spout irresponsible nonsense.
I wrote the following email content to a lifelong friend the other day:
'Our generation was blessed because we were given the educational and medical tools to achieve an astonishing level of social mobility. I never embraced Socialism, but I still believe that Nye Bevan's vision of caring local clinics was both visionary and laudable. The Baby-boom that followed victory over the Nazis - and a hugely principled Attlee administration setting out to reward talent rather than privilege - meant that kids like us had access to open doors that had previously been slammed in our faces.
This triumph of talent over social class was what Margaret Thatcher destroyed. Now we have the victory of ethnic targets over meritocracy....the ironic result of the misguided New Labour New Normal New World Order attempt to unThatcher Britain.
Trial by Talent has gone, discernment has been hopelessly diluted, and nobody has a personally developed opinion any more: all they have is the ability to spout what the media propaganda is selling.'
It's a bleak verdict, but (I think) entirely fair.
The State no longer helps us. As today's largely satirical post tries to demonstrate, our media, political, financial and bureaucratic elites in 2025 write poorly researched nonsense, tell lies at every turn - and are corrupt, injudicious, infantile, ideologically rigid, diplomatically dangerous destroyers of the Rule of Law and demonstrably megalomanic.
Be prepared for at least five years of challenging insanity from those who seek nothing less than planetary hegemony.
Good luck. You're going to need it.
